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What to Expect as an Employee of Joker from the Arkhamverse

Arkham City Joker

Greetings, New Employee!

Welcome to the Joker Gang, and congratulations on picking the wackiest, zaniest, goofiest, and most deadly of all the gangs in Arkham City!

To get you started, here are our top 10 tips on helping you adjust to your new employment:

  1. The most important thing to remember, above all else, is that Joker hates being called “The Joker.”
  2. The second most important thing to remember is that he also hates being asked why he hates being called “The Joker.” So nobody knows. So don’t bother asking anybody.
  3. And for the record, yes, this is why we just call him Boss.
  4. However, he also hates it when we call him “The Boss.” Perhaps he just hates the word the. Nobody knows. So, again, don’t bother asking anybody.
  5. There are always one or two employees among every new batch who think that the previous rules don’t apply to them. These people always ask Joker about these things, and they are always terminated. As is their employment.
  6. Speaking of which, you may be surprised to find that your new boss will terminate your fellow workers seemingly at random. Don’t be alarmed about this — he actively avoids impulse control, so it’s actually just business as usual. That’s why you get paid the big money!
  7. You won’t actually be paid “the big money” until you’ve survived at least ten encounters with a superhero. At this time, Joker will do one of two things: Kill you for being a threat, or attempt to turn you into a gag-themed lieutenant, also known as a miniboss. This is when you start making those fat stacks.
  8. If you do survive ten encounters with a superhero, you may be wondering if there’s any way to anticipate whether you’re going to die or get promoted. If so, you’re either stupid or not paying attention. Either of these traits is an excellent quality to have as a Joker employee.
  9. If you do get promoted, Joker will most likely give you a silly new name, like “Pancakes Davendale” or “Mister Bunky.” You’d better come to terms with it — and quickly — because he will terminate anybody who doesn’t use their new Joker-given name.
  10. Challenge Mode duty is a punishment, not a promotion. Sure, you might luck out and get Catwoman (who, we might add, should never be underestimated), but you also might be facing Deathstroke or Red Hood. You don’t want that. You might think you do, but you really don’t.

Arkham Joker Thug

Your Rights and Responsibilities

  • You have the right to your share of the loot, which is decided by Joker.
  • You have the right to do anything you please, as long as it doesn’t affect Joker (and by extension, Harley Quinn).
  • You have the right to defend yourself from any member of the Joker Gang, except Joker or Harley Quinn (which will result in immediate termination).
  • If Joker asks you to do something, do it immediately (unless he tells you to wait, of course).
  • If Harley Quinn asks you to do something, ask Joker first.
  • If you are patrolling an area and someone attacks, you may not leave your assigned area. Ever.
  • All advanced technology, such as a freeze gun or a pair of hoverboots, is to be given to Joker as soon as possible. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination.
  • You are responsible for buying, or otherwise procuring, your own clown mask and/or facepaint.
  • Any Riddler informants on our payroll are expected to give up information about the Riddler at the mere threat of violence, whether it comes from the Joker Gang or another source.

Arkham Joker Thug

F.A.Q.

What are our workplace health and safety policies and procedures?

Shut up, nerd.

Uh… okay then. So how does employee payment work, then?

Upon completion of a raid or heist, all cash and/or goods will be divided according to Joker’s wishes. Perhaps surprisingly, Joker is a big believer in fair pay and often doesn’t even take a share himself. If you stick with us, you will be paid on time, and in full, every single time. We assure you the Joker Gang is unique in this regard.

The only real exception to this rule is advanced technology: don’t try to hoard this for yourself. Advanced technology usually gives off a unique energy signature, which is easily traced.

Please note that Joker Gang minibosses face more combat than low-level employees and are therefore paid accordingly.

How often will I have to face Batman?

This is impossible to know for sure due to the unpredictable natures of both crime and vigilantism. That said, you’re far more likely to experience him during guard patrol or a heist than you are, say, guarding some mannequins for Harley Quinn (which is actually a real thing that you may need to do at some stage during your employment).

Arkham Mannequin Guard

 

Do we get dental?

If you’re asking this question, then you’ve joined the right gang!

Not because we get dental, but because you must be joking.

What about health insurance?

If you want health insurance, you should join Two-Face’s gang.

I just got a really good offer to join another gang. They even offer dental! What should I do?

The first thing you need to realize is that this offer wasn’t about you; it was an attempt at insulting Joker. If you did happen to take the bait, we can assure you that you’d be questioned about the Joker Gang and then promptly terminated. By us or by them.

What you should actually do is report it to Joker immediately. Be aware that you may still be terminated when you tell him, but you will definitely be terminated if you don’t. Because we will find out. We always do.

What are our workplace bullying and harassment policies?

We here at the Joker Gang actively support all forms of bullying and harassment, but only if they are creative.

The following topics are not considered creative, and therefore may not be used:

  • Race
  • Making fun of someone for repeating themselves
  • Nationality
  • Making fun of someone for repeating themselves
  • Gender
  • Weak puns based on the name of the person being bullied (strong puns based on the name of the person doing the bullying are acceptable)
  • Political affiliation
  • Making fun of someone for experiencing Déjà vu
  • Religious beliefs
  • Making fun of someone for experiencing Déjà vu
  • Philosophical views
  • Making fun of someone for only barely changing a joke before almost immediately using it again
  • Age
  • “Making Whoopee” is a great song, and I prefer the Ella Fitzgerald version while my wife prefers the Fabulous Baker Boys version. And believe me, our household is chaos during Broadway week, which is a thing in our house. Also, every word in this bullet point after version is a lie
  • Physical abilities and/or appearance (unless their mask is crooked or their clown makeup is done with crayon instead of regulation Joker Gang clown chalk — then they’re just asking for it, really.)
  • Making fun of someone for their terrible and numerous “repeating themselves” running gags

Well, okay then! I don’t have any more questions now.

Well, that’s more of a statement than a question.

Wait, I just thought of anoth-

This concludes your induction into the Joker gang.

BUT I HAVE ANOTHER QUE-

Best of luck, Employee!

Liam 'Paddy' Padmore is old enough to know better, but young enough to blog about it anyway.

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